Searching

Lately Switchfoot has been singing the soundtrack of my life. Some of these songs are fifteen years old and some are pretty recent, but it’s like Jon Foreman is reading my mind and just saying things more eloquently than I could.

I feel like I’m quickly approaching a crossroads and I’m praying God will show me the right direction to take and that I’ll have the guts to follow through even if it’s to walk down an uncomfortable path. Comfort zones are overrated, I know, but I get awfully settled into mine.

I’m reading a book called Let’s All Be Brave by Annie F. Downs. I just came across this book the other day in the Kindle Monthly Deals section and it was $2.99, so I bought it. I’m halfway through it now. This gal is so much like me, except she’s been brave where I have not, but the book shows me it didn’t come naturally, so that helps a little. Also, her sense of humor is very similar to my friend, Janie’s, so it just makes me like her even more. There have been moments reading this book where I’ve thought – Bingo. I could have written this exactly. It’s like she’s reading my mind.

I’m one week into an eight week Bible study called Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul by Jennie Allen.

Next up on my Must Read List: Do Over by Jon Acuff and another older Bible study by Jennie Allen called Restless: Because You Were Made For More.

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Is it obvious to anyone else that I’m itching for a change or is it just me?

It seems every time I have attempted to make a plan in this town, it has failed. (Not a plan like going to garage sales with my sister or going to see a movie with someone, but bigger things.) Ah, and there goes Switchfoot:

All attempts have failed, all my heads are tails
I’ve got teary eyes, I’ve got reasons why
I’m losing ground and gaining speed
I’ve lost myself or most of me
I’m heading for the final precipice
But You haven’t lost me yet

Then there’s this:

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps. – Proverbs 16:9

So, for that reason, for that wisdom, I have to be thankful that none of my plans are working out. I’d rather the Lord determine my steps than me, because He’s a whole lot wiser than I am, but I sure wish something would come together. A girl can only hang out in the bedroom she slept in the night she graduated high school in a dead end job in a lonely town for so long before something’s gotta give.

Again, Switchfoot –

I swore it would never come to this
the average, the obvious
I’m still discontented down here
I’m still discontented

If we’ve only got one try
If we’ve only got one life
If time was never on our side
Then before I die, I want to burn out bright

The future is a question mark
of kerosene and electric sparks
There’s still fire in you yet
Yeah, there’s still fire in you

I’m thankful for a God who reminds me of the good stuff even in a frustrating season of searching and trying to figure things out.

About four or five months ago, I took up running. Up until the month of June, it was pretty enjoyable because the weather was bearable. Now it’s just hot. The excessive sweating (and probably stress to an extent) have caused me to have the complexion of a fourteen year old, so that’s not fun. It’s so humid outside, it’s ridiculous. One morning last week, I happened to wake up on my own around 5:20 so I considered getting up to run. I checked my weather app and it was currently 100% humidity. One hundred percent. Needless to say, I decided not to run that morning. Louisiana summer has made running less fun, but I’m not giving up entirely. After several miserable runs, I recently went on one where there was a light breeze (for the first time in a while) and a light rain. It was still hot and sticky, but also refreshing in comparison to recent weeks. As I was finishing my cool-down walk on my way back to the house, I was walking right into the wind and it was such a welcome feeling, it was overwhelming. Then this came to mind:

Because of the Lord’s faithful love, we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness! – Lamentations 3:22-23

God gives me reminders like this at the perfect time. It was perfect for the moment – a much needed cool breeze on a hot, sticky morning – and it was perfect for this unsettled season of life.

It’s an uncomfortable prayer to pray when you ask God to keep you discontent and uncomfortable until you’re actually heading in the right direction, but that’s where I am. That’s the prayer I’ve prayed and that I’m still praying. Complacency comes naturally to me and digging in my heels is pretty bad habit of mine, so I’m praying for direction and for a clue and for bravery, and counting the blessings I have, because I have lots of them. I realize this sounds so contradictory unless you’ve been there. I’m thankful that even with this underlying unsettled, discontentedness that has been sticking with me, I notice all the simple pleasures like a great homemade iced mocha, puppy kisses, laughing around the table with family on Thursday nights, Grey’s Anatomy marathons at my sister’s house, and a ridiculously comfortable bed to sleep in at night. There’s a lot of good mixed in and that leaves me with a sense of gratitude.

So here’s praying for a clue and some guts.

Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You. Reveal to me the way I should go, because I long for You. – Psalm 143:8

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